I seem to have misplaced my hope. I feel like a child that tripped and accidentally let go of her balloon string and am now standing in pause while watching my hope drift off, up and away, not understanding how there can't be a way to logically get it back. Surely there can....right? "Come back to me!", I internally scream, while my pretty pink balloon soaks into a cloud, fading away behind a mental block that I somehow shellacked into my mind. Maybe the understanding of all of this is to acknowledge that even though that balloon of hope has faded in the ethers, there is always an opportunity to have another balloon. SHIT, an entire bouquet of balloons of all colors that envelop me like a child cozied up in their favorite comforter! So, I sift and sort out my thoughts about this during random internet scrolls to help myself feel like I'm working towards some newfound enlightenment, praying that there is some lightning strike to the soul that jumpstarts my spirit again. 

"Be the master of your mind", I read, in so many social posts that I scroll through like a contestant on the Price Is Right, spinning the wheel of promise. Is it really that easy? Just decide one day to plant yourself in the driver's seat of your mind and forgo any useless pitstops of despair by ignoring all the rest stop signs at each easy access exit? If it's SO easy, then can someone please explain why I feel I have the hardest time doing so? 

"Am I mentally ok?", I occasionally ask myself, to which I'll quickly brush the thought behind me, yet still tightly weave into a quilt of negativity that I seem to have started making as a child. I don't want to cozy up in this quilt anymore! Yet, it's my memories, my history. It's part of my essence, and while it holds many wounds that I'd rather erase, it's also the softest part of my life. My vulnerability. It's familiar. Worn around the edges and has the comfort of knowingness. So, then what does this all mean for me? Am I doomed for life? Too far gone? I surely don't want to pass this heirloom down to any of my children, and also, I'm holding on tightly because it's mine. What happens to it if I let it go? Does it also float into the ethers? This time, dissolving into storm clouds, creating rain of hope that will water new growth? Am I to watch it fade knowing I can now make another? One with patches defining healing, love and new and improved hope? I sure "hope" so. 

Love you to pieces and whole again. 

Robin

P.S. - you're not alone. 

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."

Lewis B. Smedes

05/16/2023

Navigating the waters

Here I am again... a day (plus one thousand and a lot of dollars short....)

Having issues finagling this blog space is just case in point that I have drastically let myself down these last couple of years. I've lost sight of myself so much that I'm not even quite sure who I am anymore. There are so many things that I have a kindling fire to accomplish and then when it comes to doing the work, I fall down the energetic well like that 1980's baby, little Jessica. The sad part of even saying that is the realization that I'm pretty ok with being in the bottom of the well right now. It seems like a vacation compared to the day-to-day monotony that I endure taking care of the tribe. The only reason I even geared up my chunky little fingers today and decided to blog again was because of a cute little back and forth that I had with my husband about finding my purpose again. Where does one go when they're not sure which direction to look and progress? Maybe that's not the most important thing to soak on mentally and perhaps it's just beautiful that I'm even flirtingly key stroking the laptop again? Everything just seems like it takes so much energy now a days and I'm not quite sure why. Even still, I occasionally have the energetic push to get in gear and so here I am. Here... I ... am...

A quote I heard the other day on a Lex Fridman podcast that really struck me. 

"...Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning, and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside - remembering all the times you've felt that way..."

- Charles Bukowski

03/28/2023

The Space Between 

I feel like I've been stuck on an island in the middle of an ocean between the time I wrote my first blog and now. It's the weirdest thing, being a creative spirit that wrestles with ADD. More times than not I "SQUIRREL!!" out and forget that I had motivation for the previous thing I had my heart set on. Not quite sure why I'm this way and I've finally gotten to a point where it really doesn't matter much to try and figure it out. All that matters is that I acknowledge all the parts of me that make me, ME and embrace each ounce with so much love that the little Robin within starts to feel seen, heard, loved and adored. I've been working on shadow and inner child healing, and one would think that it's a chapter that passes like one you skim through in a book to get to the good parts. Welp. ya... NO. Nope that's not how it works, and I've been brutally face planted into this healing process and I can now say I love every second of it. It's not that I love the painful wound opening realizations that allow me to add open air for healing. It's that during the healing I'm feeling shit that I never wanted to feel because I was scared of the pain, and now realizing that I'm able to alchemize the pain into pleasure for excitement of the future. Does that even make sense? It does to me .. and that's all that matters. :-)

"SQUIRREL!!!" It's almost 2022 and I'm inching into yet another new year but this time... THIS TIME, things really do feel different. It could just be because 90% of everyone I knew and loved, I no longer speak to for one reason or another. I decided a few months ago that I will no longer put effort into a relationship of any kind that feels like I'm carrying the entire load. This goes for blood and water. No longer speaking to my parents, my siblings, friends I thought would always be around. This sounds sad but FUCK it's not! It's like a giant weight has been lifted off of me. I've made some amazing friends that I feel are part of a long-lost tribe that I've been searching to find since the day I was born. I've become so close with my little love bug kiddos that I am so blessed to call my sons, and MOST of all..... I have my best friend in the entire world that I swear has been with me through many past lives. Life feels good. Life feels free, and I feel..."SQUIRREL!!!!!!!"

Until we meet again, sweet friends. 

love you to pieces and whole again. 

Robin 

12/19/2021

Head Space - Calming the Rapids